Deadpool… boredom creates comedy!
by AdverbialClown5
Summary: The humorous misadventures of Deadpool
1. Chapter 1

Deadpool… boredom creates comedy!

_This is my first fanfic so be gentle with me. Enjoy._

It has been so long since I have had a job I feel useless…. Now that shield doesn't need me anymore the badge has no point. I sit, stand, run, jump, hop and skip whilst staring at my cell phone waiting for the next job. It's been months now and nothing… I suppose my writers at Marvel have run out of ideas of things I should do… I knew I should have signed that contract with DC… I know they have Deathstroke… my long lost and less good looking in tights brother …. But we could be an awesome double act. And if not I could just blow his head off his shoulders and have my own solo comic… its not as if he has a healing factor like me…. (a short Wikipedia search later)… crap he does… awh well I guess we could try to kill each other until the end of time.

So as I was saying I have been out of the job for a while now…. And I tell I'm getting sick of day time TV like WTF is up with Hannah Montana like is it for children or perverts… by the way I would so destroy her… I know she is only a kid and all but I would so get on the sex offenders list just to hit that…. What she's 18 really! Miley here I cum…. Did u see what I did there? I know I'm awful. But anyway like this one day I'm to get my daily dose of Hannah Montana morning glory when I sit on my comfy chair and I feel something under the cushion. So I reach down and I pull out my cell phone charger and then I realise… MY CELL PHONE HAS BEEN OUT OF BATTERY FOR THE PAST FEW MONTHS! No wonder I haven't been getting any jobs lately so I rush to plug it in to the socket and charge it. I turn it on and I have over 5000 new messages! I've felt so popular, even on my Facebook I only have about half the Marvel universe on it. As I am about to check out my mail I get a phone call from Spider-Man. So I answer it because I could never refuse a call from Tobey Maguire.

"Sup, Parker!"

I could tell in his voice Tobey was shocked "Wh.. wha…what did you call me!"

"I said Spidy. Why did you think I said man" I love breaking the fourth wall and mind fucking with the other heroes.

"Emm… nothing forget it. I was calling to check up on you how have you been holding up, no one has heard from you in months and we thought that cancer of yours got the better of you."

"Nope I just forgot to charge my cell phone."

"For the past like four months? How the hell did you manage that?"

"I'm Deadpool."

"Yeah that makes sense. Well I've got to go I'm going to Reed Richards for a poker night with some of the other heroes."

"Cool! Can I come along!"

"I don't think its up to me."

"Pretty please… I'll bring dip." I know it looks like I'm begging… which I kind of am because I'm so BORED.

Tobey sighs and replies, "Even if I say that you can't your still gona show aren't you?"

"You know it Tobey!"

"What?"

"I've gotta go get ready so see you at Richard's." I hang up the phone before he has time to reply.

I go to wardrobe and pick out my best tights, get dressed and skip out the front door whilst singing:

I'm off to see the Heroes  
>The Wonderful Heroes of Marvel<br>Because, because, because, because, because  
>Because of the wonderful things they've done…<p>

_Hope you enjoyed this. Leave a comment if you want me to continue with this story as I have an idea of were to go next._


	2. Chapter 2

_Deadpool… boredom creates comedy!_

_Part 2_

Previously on Lost…. Jack and Kate get funky in the hatch's shower. John Locke teaches a Polar Bear how deal with being in a wheelchair. Charlie catches up on the latest news from middle earth. And Hurley says "DUDE"!

…

Wait…. Sorry I forgot Lost is off the air. I created Lost you know… I just use the Alias J. J. Abrams when I go Undercovers when doing a Mission: Impossible 3 in a Felicity on the Fringe of the Armageddon whilst enjoying a Joy Ride when I've Gone Fishin' after I've been to a Star Trek convention and I film it all on my Super 8 camera. (I hope you enjoy those in jokes of TV shows and Films J .J. Abrams has worked on because it took f*#king hours on Wikipedia getting all the names and then being able to put in a sentence that made a remote bit of sense… well at least more sense than Lost I don't even know what is going on that island.)

O.K. enough with my little rant, what I meant to say was….

Previously on Deadpool… boredom creates comedy! I (Deadpool) was sitting at home and realised that I hadn't charged my cell phone in five months and then it turns out that I have over 5000 new messages and then Tobey Maguire called and now I'm off to play poker with the other heroes!

As I stood there in my best ass showing spandex tights waiting for the elevator to come down to the bottom floor of the Baxter Building a figure appeared from the shadows in the manner you might see Stan Lee appear in a Marvel Movie cameo… But this was no Stan Lee it was instead GAVIN HOOD! The director of X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

"YOU! SON! OF! A! BITCH!" I roared in my best scary voice.

"I'm sorry? Do I know you?" Gavin Hood replied in his stupid South African accent.

"You destroyed my first time on the big screen and you don't remember!"

"No."

I took out one of my swords. "You left me a merc without a mouth you f*#k!" I then chopped off his head from his body. Then the doors opened to the elevator and there was Stan Lee as the Left Operator in his cameo. His jaw must have dropped because it was me in all my awesomeness… like I'm sure it wasn't because he just saw me kill Gavin Hood.

"Yo.. You… going up?" Stan said in a very timid voice.

"Why yes… Top floor to Reed Richards please true believer."

Stan looked down at the decapitated Gavin Hood. "They don't pay me enough for these cameos anymore."

Stan took me to the top floor in complete silence. When I got there Reed greeted me personally because I'm the new celebrity in the Marvel World.

"Who the hell invited you!" Reed asked me with a slight look of worry on his face.

"Tobey did." I replied

"Who's Tobey?" Reed asked me.

"Sorry I mean Spider-Man."

"No I didn't!" Tobey called from the next room.

"Anyway, how have you not seen one those movies yet Ioan Gruffudd."

"What are you talking about?" Reed asked now with some serious confusion on his face.

"You don't even know who played you in your own movie! God man I thought you were meant to be a scientist."

"Whatever just go find a seat at the table." Reed stretches his arm the whole way to the table for me to follow.

When I got to the table there was already a few heroes around a large dining table. There was Tobey, The Thing, Hugh Jackman, Robert Downey Jr., Dr. Strange. And I didn't know who Chris Evans was being because both The Human Torch and Captain America where there. There was also Cyclops, Beast and Thor. And just so we are clear since the Chris Evans twins where there I thought it would be better if I didn't call anyone by their actor names because I was beginning to think that I should call Tobey after that ginger cat Andrew Garfield.

"What are doing here bub?" Logan asked with his cat claws ready to scratch my best tights a new one.

"To play poker. Plus Tobe… Garfie…. *sigh* … Spidey invited me."

"NO I DIDN'T!" Spidey shouted with all the other heroes giving him the evil eyes.

"Why do you have a problem with me and not Strange?" I asked innocently.

"Why should they have any kind of problem with me?" Inquired Strange.

"Because I know you are somehow related to the villain Hugo Strange from DC's Batman! And don't deny it I have nerds on the internet looking into it!" I said pointing to Strange.

There was a moment are two of silence.

"You really are crazy aren't you?" Remarks Ironman.

_Next time on Deadpool… boredom creates comedy! The poker night shall begin!_


	3. Chapter 3

Deadpool… boredom creates comedy!

Part 3

Previously on Deadpool… boredom creates comedy! I Deadpool have arrived at the Baxter Building to play poker with the other heroes. And if you didn't know that already same on you… go back and read the previous 2 chapters it can't be that hard to read them now can it. They are only 1,642 words long together which is like 2 A4 pieces of paper. I feel as if the author a certain PJ-Harper doesn't care for me that much because his batman Fanfic which is only on its first chapter is 3,235 which is about twice as long as my 2 put together. I feel so unloved… but I have to admit it is pretty damn good check it out after you read this if you haven't seen it already. Ok any way here is the last several paragraphs of the last chapter (Which have been fixed since there was a mistake or two) to help catch you up on the story so far. Enjoy.

"What are doing here bub?" Logan asked with his cat claws ready to scratch my best tights a new one.

"To play poker. Plus Tobe… Garfie…. *sigh* … Spidey invited me."

"NO I DIDN'T!" Spidey shouted with all the other heroes giving him the evil eyes.

"Why do you have a problem with me and not Strange?" I asked innocently.

"Why should they have any kind of problem with me?" Strange inquired.

"Because I know you are somehow related to the villain Hugo Strange from DC's Batman! And don't deny it I have nerds on the internet looking into it!" I said pointing to Strange.

There was a moment are two of silence.

"You really are crazy aren't you?" Ironman remarked.

"Well I'm not technically because I am the only one here who knows I'm a fictional character." I replied.

"What the f*#k are you talking about!" Wolverine yelled at me.

"Never mind…" I replied hanging my head. There was no point in me trying to explain to him because we could be here for hours. Trust me the first draft of this chapter was like that. It was about 1,039,752 words long before I was able to explain and all the heroes realised I wasn't crazy. So we scrapped that idea and trust me it was for the best.

"For the love of God can we just start this damn poker night?" The Thing asked in quite a scary voice.

Reed then walked into the room, "I think that would be for the best."

So everybody sat down at the big poker table that had be set out. And it you were curious about who sat beside who it was in a clockwise direction there was me, Spidey, Human Torch, The Thing, Beast, Strange, Cyclops, Wolverine, Capt., Thor, Reed and last but by no means least Iron Man.

"Hey, Reed where the hell are all the female super heroes? It is like a sausage fest here." I asked looking at the all the guys in the room.

"Well this is a guy's night in. so there are no female super heroes here." Reed replied.

"You are joking right. I thought that it was going to be a bitching ass party and we got drunk and we would play strip poker and then get freaky. If you know what I mean. You know like in that one episode of Family Guy were Peter was playing strip poker with the Justice League and got Wonder Woman to take off her bra and Robin was checking Peter out instead because you know Robin's gay." As I said this all the other heroes just sat there looking at me with wide confused eyes.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" Iron Man asked.

"Seriously? No one has seen that episode of Family Guy. It is freaking sweet. I have it on DVD if anyone wants to borrow it."

Everybody just continued to stare at me.

Nobody spoke for a moment so I decided to break the silence, "Fine forget about strip poker and Family Guy. But if we do end up playing strip poker and things get freaky I want you all to know I don't swing that way. That is unless you give me bout ten martinis because once I have them I will let anyone do any kind of nasty thing they want me to."

Once again no one spoke for about a moment but then Wolverine spoke, "Strange can't you just sent him into another dimension or something where he will be stuck for the rest of eternity?"

"I could but I fear that he would find a way back no matter what dimension I send him to." Strange told Wolverine in a sad voice.

"You do realise that I am right here don't you?" I said.

"Yeah that is the problem." Wolverine told me while giving me the evil eyes.

"That's ok as long as we are on the same page (which we so are on this fanfic)." I said giving him the thumbs up.

But Wolverine didn't reply in that way he just instead gave me the middle claw…. JUST LIKE IN THE FILM! AND ALSO X-MEN LEGENDS 2 RISE OF APOCALYPSE THE GAME! I was so excited by that I almost wet myself and then I was also like why wasn't I in that game? I am particularly an X-Man and I am legen- wait for it- dary…. You got to love Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother. Barney Stinson for President of the Universe of Awesomeness… Well maybe Vice President after me.

"Whatever." Wolverine said then he turned and looked at Reed and asked him, "So Reed do you want to deal?"

"Sure." Reed replied as he began to shuffle the cards and then stretching his arm out as he dealt us the cards.

"Wait a second why isn't here Gambit?" I asked as I looked across the table.

"Because we didn't invite him." Reed said with a confused look on his face.

"You are joking right the one person in the whole Marvel Universe who is best known for using cards as a weapon was the one person you didn't think of inviting?" I replied in complete shock that the idea didn't occur to anyone.

"No." Reed simply said in response.

"Dam and I wanted to see him blow up a pigeon with a playing card." I said as my head sank down as I was depressed… "We haven't seen each other since X-Men Origins: Wolverine." I whispered quietly to myself.

So then after that we played a few hands of poker and oddly enough Iron Man won most of the hands. He said it was down to luck and the fact that he owned his own casino in Vegas and played with the professionals who thought him a few things. Personally I thought it was more down to the fact that he was using some piece of tech to read everyone's cards.

Then I began to get bored and suggested that we play a new game. "How bout we play something different like roulette?"

"But we don't have a roulette table." Reed explained to me.

"You don't understand we are not playing actual roulette, I mean Russian roulette." Then I took out my good old trusty six shooter magnum revolver. "Lucky for us I already only have one bullet left in it." I then spun the cartridge holder.

Everyone gave me a panicked look.

"Seriously you really are insane aren't you?" Iron Man remarked again in quite a similar way in the last chapter. Well see you next time.


	4. Chapter 4

Deadpool…. Boredom creates comedy!

Part 4 of…. Well there isn't an actual number yet.

OK on this chapter I am not going to do a previously on Deadpool…. Boredom creates comedy bit because seriously we are on chapter 4 and there really isn't that much to read up until this point. And if you don't know what has been happening until this point then you really should go back and catch up. Like come on get your head out of your asses. Also in the last chapter I made a reference to X-Men Legends 2 Rise of Apocalypse were I stated that I should have been in that game and after a quick Google search I realised I was an unlockable character but I mean a actual character from the start. So if anyone was going to comment on that fact I beat you to it so there nerds! DEADPOOL 1 – NERDS 0. By the way if you are a nerd and you are a fan of mine I take back what I said because you geeky bastards are my main fan base and so I get most of my money from you.

"What have you all got against Russian roulette? You all aren't racist or against communism are you guys?" I asked shocked that everyone was against my idea of a little game of one shot Russian roulette.

"Are you crazy! Somebody could get seriously hurt!" Mr. Fantastic roared at the of his elasticised lungs.

"Oh so we are back at the crazy thing now are we! You my good sir are a terrible host! There isn't even any hot super hero chicks here! And furthermore none of us would get hurt if we played Russian roulette as I have thought something through for once in my 18 year long comic book life since my first appearance in 1991! So take that Mr. So-Called-Fantastic!" I cleverly replied whilst holding a 19 century smoking pipe and wearing a top hat with a very stylish matching tuxedo.

"Ok what the hell are you talking about and how the hell did you get all that stuff?" Richards asked me.

"To answer the first part of your question none of us will get hurt because firstly I and wolverine over there have insane healing factors so we'll be fine. Spiderman has his spidey senses and quick reflexes can help him dodge a bullet like he has done so many times before. Iron Mans suit, Captain Americas shield and the Things skin is all bullet proof. The Human Torch and Cyclops can both melt and destroy the bullet before it hits them. Strange can transport the bullet to another dimension. And the Beast's reflexes can help him to dodge the bullet as well. And Thor is a god so he can just blow it away. So there in your face! Deadpool wins! And boom goes the dynamite!" I then did a victory dance in celebration of me!

"Ok that is all good but still were did you get all that stuff?" Richards said looking more confused by my awesomely well thought out and well executed answer.

"Well to answer that question we all must fist join hands and run around naked and…"

"Just get to the point bub!" Logan told me threateningly whilst extending his long sharp and pointy adamantium claws to my cancer invested throat.

"Okay, okay… I got all this stuff off eBay bitches with Iron Man's credit card details."

"Hey, what the hell man!" Iron Man shouted at me.

"Oh geez, as if you would notice a few hundred dollars missing from you're bank account. You a billionaire for f*#k shake you big baby. And now to get back to the question at hand how I got all these things on so quickly without any of you noticing is because I am fictional and therefore the laws of physics and the rest of that there boring science stuff doesn't apply to me."

"What do you mean fictional?"

"That's it screw you guys… like what the hell does a guy have to do become non-fictional to be taken serious around here. I'm leaving and there is nothing you can do to stop me! I'm going home and do what I do every night… download Harley Quinn porn!" And with that I got up and left the Baxter building.

As I was walking down the street alone I began to think that none of the other heroes respected me. Which they should because I'm the greatest thing to come out of Canada since the wonder bra… and also Michael J. Fox of course. And the Canadian heart throb who was able to make a honest woman out of me… Ryan Reynolds (even if he cheated we me briefly with that slut Hal Jordan from the Green Lantern Corps…. He is such a home wrecker!)

"I got to do something big so that they will respect me."

"_Aw no way dude you shouldn't. They are all just threatened by your awesomeness."_

"You're right yellow inner monologue. And can I ask you just one more question?"

"_Sure go ahead buddy."_

"Why are you italics and not yellow?"

"_Cause our author a certain Mr. PJ-Harper is to damn lazy to change to yellow and it isn't in the budget. So from here on out you should call me your italic inner monologue."_

"OK that makes sense I guess… Hey wait does that mean the italics from previous chapters were you all along?"

"_I dunno maybe… I don't think even PJ-Harper knew back then if I was going to enter the story… and do you really care?"_

"No… but I thought I would make it clear for our readers. After all without our fans what would we do?"

"_Who gives a f*#k about the fans… That's right you read me correctly I don't care about you sad, sad people who I suspect read this because they can't get laid to save their lives. Hmm? Am I correct? Your kind makes me sick."_

I was taken aback by this statement as I actually quite like you guys and thought I should try to defend you as not all of us here at Deadpool…. Boredom creates comedy! don't share these opinions, "Jeez that's a little harsh isn't it italic inner monologue?"

"_Heh… whatever I'm going to go and smoke some weed so see you later you prick!"_

"Well… um… you're the prick." God I wish I had a better comeback line than that. I always thought he was jealous of me being in the spotlight.

Well readers I think I'm leave here for this chapter cause I have to go and get some seriously high in fat ice cream to drown my sorrows in.

Then in the distance I heard I bitching explosion… it kind of sounded like KA-BOOM! And so I thought it would be awesome if I went and investigated it.

I must have ran for a good half hour before I reached the origin of the explosion.

"_What the F*#k do you mean you ran! You started to run and then you got distracted by that hooker for 25 minutes and then you got a cab to here. You're such a liar."_

"I am not a liar I was just twisted the truth to make the story more dramatic for the readers. And weren't you away smoking weed?"

"_I forgot I smoked it all… I'm so high right now it's awesome… Hey did you see that unicorn! Its horn was so shiny!"_

Crap… Sorry readers but I got to go and leave italic inner monologue at the hospital because I think he bout to O.D. so I'm going to have to leave you here and leave you in wonder of what caused the explosion. So see you next time true believers!


	5. Chapter 5

Deadpool…. Boredom creates comedy!

Episode 5.0: Where does Deadpool go when he fornicates?

Ok one of the reviews from the last chapter asked how was the_ italic inner _monologue able to get the weed he over dosed on. We down here at the Deadpool…. Boredom creates comedy! office (and no we are not that big of a fan fiction that we can afford our own office…. We can hardly even afford the one loner who types this on his laptop) thought we should humour this reviewer as they appear to be one of our more special readers and we find it hilarious that you think you can read! The italic inner monologue bought the weed off me…. Yes that's corrects kiddies your childhood hero and teenage heartthrob Deadpool sells weed on the side… hell these tights don't come cheap. And also a call out to another reviewer who said that you can't over dose on weed… this is a work of FICTION! So keep your real world logic out of the reviews!

Ok now back to our main story in which I told you that in there was something awesome about to happen and now I can reveal the awesomeness that is… Vegeta and Nappa (not Ghost Nappa) from the Dragon Ball Z Abridged series have appeared. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about go and Google it and lol more than a lolz cat hasing cheezeburgerz.

So in the middle of New York City Vegeta and Nappa have crashed down in their big space balls and here they come, all sweaty, breathless with the longest tails between their legs… that sounded so gay but I liked it… I just jizzed in my tights.

"Hey Vegeta," Said Nappa in the way he does it and it annoys Vegeta.

"What is it Nappa," Vegeta

"There's a Dairy Queen over there!"

"God dam it Nappa!"

Then Nappa looked over and saw me standing there in my jizzed filled tights. "Hey Vegeta there's a Pokemon over there… I wonder what kind he is?"

"Use your Pokedex Nappa"

"OK," Then Nappa took out his Pokedex and scanned me. "He's a… a… a Deadpool. It says his abilities are to heal quickly and break the fourth wall. And it says he has been insane since 1993. I'm going to try and catch it Vegeta!"

So then Nappa threw a Pokeball at me as hard as he could but I caught it with my hand and I will admit it was f*#king painful because Nappa is… UNDER 8000! And yes I did that joke right… yes I did. "I'm sorry but you won't catch 'em all today because I'm a Digimon fan bitch."

"How dare you insult Pokemon!" Said Nappa as he jumped 20 feet up into the air and flew straight towards me and went to punch me in the face.

I threw up my hand for Nappa to stop and shouted, "Nappa! I just realise something!"

Nappa stopped flying an inch or to from me and asked with a confused expression on his face and asked, "What is it?"

"You can fly!" I said in a voice of amazement even though I have seen the other heroes and villains fly before.

"Oh my God Vegeta he's right… I can fly!"

"God dam it Nappa! Can't you even realise that he is trying to trick you!" Vegeta then roared at Nappa.

"But Vegeta… tricks are for kids."

"F*#k you Nappa, f*#k you!" Vegeta looked really ticked off at this point and he turned and looked at me with his crazy eyes and said, "You there in the tights… just tell us where we can find the Dragonballs!"

"Em… Do you mean the seven little crystal balls that have different number of stars in them that once you gather together the great dragon Soron appears and then he grants you whatever you wish for."

"Yes those ones. We are kind in a hurry to gain our immortality."

"We would like to get them so then we can go get some bitches… isn't that right Vegeta?"

"Yes Nappa."

"Yeah bitches."

"Well I'm sorry to break it to you but you are in the wrong universe. See this is the Marvel Universe but you want the Dragonball Universe."

"What the hell do you mean?" Vegeta asked with a vein in his forehead looking as if it is about to explode.

"Well you see this is a completely different universe of fiction. I think you must have past through the Marvel Mangaverse as it is the only bridge between Marvel and Anime I can think of. And I wish I was there right now. Iron Man is a chick in that Universe and that's sexy."

"I knew I shouldn't have taken directions from Nappa! He always gets us lost."

"I got us lost good Vegeta this time didn't I."

"You know what I was going to kill you only after I used you to kill all the earthlings to get the Dragonballs but F*#k that shit I think I will just kill you.

"Wait does this mean that we're not going to dairy queen!"

"F*#k it." Vegeta raised his hand and just blew Nappa to a hundred thousand bloody little pieces… I may have lifted my mask up a little and stuck out my tongue and caught some of Nappa on my tongue... he tasted like Wolverine's ass… don't ask I was young dumb and wanted my comic book series.

"FINALLY! I'm free from that idiot." Yelled Vegeta with an overly scary toothy smile.

"Well I guess that the end of his guest appearance." I said whilst pulling my mask down over my face. "So you want to go get latte, slice of pizza, rent a movie or you can spoon me like some kind of prison bitch."

"Great I get stuck with another idiot."

"Hey I am not an idiot! I prefer the term insane."

"Whatever I'm getting off this planet to find those Dragonballs."

"Wait you think can come here and kill none of my friends and get away with it!"

"OK now I can see why you prefer insane. And yes I shall spare your planet seeing as it is the place where Nappa died and therefore will be filled with happy memories for me." He then sat in her giant spaceball shp thingy. "So bye I guess." And with that he was gone.

Well I suppose I better go and try and find myself another crazy funny situation. So see you again next time readers in Deadpool…. Boredom creates comedy!


	6. Chapter 6

Deadpool... Boredom creates comedy!

Chapter 5 + Next Chapter = Chapter 6

Hello once again my very loyal and probably virgin readers! And I don't care if my remarks hurt you pussys... causing you pain gives me my kicks! I weird like that. By the way I apologise if the last chapter upset due to it's shortness as I wanted to play patty cake with Nappa but due to my author we had to keep the chapter short and sweet. And it is always sweet because I am just a ball of awesome cuteness that is made of 99% insane and 100% sugar. Don't even dare think to question my maths... Deadpool maths doesn't have to add up because when it comes from something this epically sexy. So now we shall go onto my next adventure! So sit down and shut up as I put on my best tights!

I am sitting here at my computer on rereading the previous chapter and thinking to myself why didn't Vegeta stay and play with me. I'm so lonely.

"_Grow up you pussy! You should go out there and find yourself your next job! And don't do that I hear it makes you go blind!" _Italic inner monologue yells at me just as I begin to touch myself in my special area whilst watching 2 girls 1 cup.

"I suppose your right italic inner monologue..." I reply trying to think of grandma tits to make little Deadpool go to sleep.

"_YOU SUPPOSE! It is a proven fact that masturbation cases blindness due to unexpected jizz shooting up into the eye."_

"No I meant I should go out and get another job." I pull up my tights, head over to the door as I grab my swords and guns.

"_Oh yeah that too. And next time you decide to make yourself go blind use a god damn tissue we share that keyboard."_

As I begin to walk down the stairs from my apartment I try to think of where I should go to find a job. So I decide I need a sign.

Later that day I am standing in the middle of New York City with a sign saying 'Will kill anyone for $$$. Except Ryan Reynolds.' As I need him in case a Deadpool movie actually gets made. I hear after the flop of Green Lantern he is getting dropped as they are rebooting so here's hoping.

After standing for a couple of hours finally I get my first customer in the form of a cute ten year old ginger boy. "Hey mister, could you kill my teacher for me?" He asks me as I stare at his ginger hair... it strangely makes me want to punch him and find out if gingers have souls.

"Sure buddy! I don't see anything wrong with that. How much you paying."

"I have my $5 pocket money, I was going to use it to buy comics but I'd rather have my teacher die."

"That sounds fair. I think we have a deal."

"_What are you doing you fool! Your fee is higher than that. Also you a comic book character should be promoting the buying of comics!" _My annoying italic inner monologue begins to scream at me.

"Hey the kid's ginger I have to do this for him, he obviously has nothing else going on for him in life!"

Next thing I know the kid's mum comes over and drags him away while telling him, "Timmy what have I told you about talking to strangers!"

"Well there goes $5 dollars... Poor ginger kid, I hope they find a cure soon and don't have to put him down."

I throw my sign away after a couple more hours and begin to wonder the mean streets of the city and wonder what I am going to do for this months rent. I suppose I could sell naked photo's of the other heroes to the internet nerds again... you don't want to know what I have to do to get those pictures.

Then as I am walking down the street I notice that in an alley I see that a woman is getting

mugged by some guy and is putting up a real struggle. So I decide that I should go and help out... as long as I get a fair share of the loot.

So I sprint down the alley to where the man and the woman are and as I am about to grab the purse and help this guy out suddenly Dare Devil appears from the rooftops and knocks the guy out with a perfectly placed knee to the side of his head.

"There you go ma'am you're OK now." He says while looking at a brick wall. He really is blind or gay if he isn't checking out that nice rack that the women has on her. I'm telling you, you could motor boat it all day by the looks of it. (Please note the rest of us here at Deadpool... Boredom creates comedy! Do not share Deadpool's sexist view on women but we do however see his point and agree with his views on gingers.)

"Hey double D you just screwed me and that other guy over. We bout need the money! Unless you want you tiny 2 inches posted all over the internet!"

"Wait you weren't going to save her... and what do you mean 2 inches?"

"You know what I am talking about mini cup. And what are you doing in this part of the City I thought Hell's Kitchen was your turf?"

"You must have no sense of direction Wade this Hell Kitchen." He informs me while he walks over to the guy he just kneed and checks that he didn't hurt him to much.

"Wait are you serious! Maybe I could find Gordon Ramsay and finally learn the secret to the perfect buttered toast!" I say while I lick my lips at the idea of awesomely buttered toast.

"Yeah sure you go right ahead and do that." Dare Devil tells me as begins to tie the guy up with a note on him for the police. Maybe it is just me but that is so 1960's why don't the heroes these days just phone 911 from their cell phones and tell the cops that they just beat the crap out of some low life. I mean come on it is the 21st Century for crying out loud! "Well I suppose I will see you around Wade. And please don't do anything you normally do around here OK."

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is don't go around and start killing civilians I am not in the mood to get into a fight with you right now." He said this with a tired tone in his voice.

"Aww come on why not... they are all fictional and don't really add much to the story for the reader. As if anyone would really care what happens to them."

"Whatever I'm going now." So with that he did some pretty nice acrobatics and returned to the rooftops and left me alone in the alley.

Then once again I began to wonder the streets thinking what to do for money and then I felt a good vibration in my tights that made little Deadpool happy. It took me a moment to realise that it was actually my cell phone that I had set to vibrate... to be honest I thought that it was just God trying to have his way with me. So I take it out of my pocket and I take the call and it is Nick Fury from shield.

"Wade, Shield need you expertise immediately." Nick speaks in a serious tone but I can't tell by his voice whether or not he is original Nick Fury or Samuel L. Jackson Nick Fury.

"Hey Nicky one eye when you are talking about business I prefer to be called my professional name."

"Fine, Deadpool, Shield needs you."

"Actually I was referring to my eBay name of SirCaptainFuzzyBoots1993 but I suppose that Deadpool works to. But first I have one question for you Fury."

"What is it?"

"Are you the white or black Nick Fury?"

"What kind of racist bullshit is that! That politically incorrect!" Nick begins to swear down the phone to me.

"Hey I'm just trying to clarify this for the reader." I say trying to calm him down. I didn't realise he was so sensitive... that is a quality hard to find in men sometimes aren't I right ladies.

"I don't care what you are trying to do and I prefer the term African American." Bingo it was Samuel L. Jackson Nick Fury after all!

"OK Nick I will take the job. So I will see you at the beginning of the next chapter." And so with that I hung up on him and went along skipping merrily finally I got a job. So once again I will see you next time readers in the next instalment of Deadpool... Boredom creates comedy!


	7. Chapter 7

Deadpool... Boredom Creates Comedy!

Chapter 7: the one that comes after Chapter 6

Hello and welcome once again boys and girls to the Deadpool Happy Hour! One of your best internet resources about me Deadpool according to our own surveys which may have or have not been rigged to make ourselves look good. On today's show we are going to have a very special episode on why you shouldn't do drugs... but instead sell them so you can make a kick ass profit! So you can say good bye to going cold turkey and say hello to buying an expensive holiday home in the nice hot Country of Turkey! I know it has been awhile since our last chapter and for that I am not sorry... I am not a preforming monkey for you people but I do like them bananas. Now some of this fan fiction's few dedicated followers may know that I like to make a call out to those who leave stupid reviews and I humiliate them... so unless they are masochists they are not going to like it. Now one reviewer who's name just comes up as guest told me that I should start a romantic relationship with Black Mamba because he believes that I am not gay... now firstly I do not need help with my love life thank you very much you homophobic ass... so what if I am possibly gay? I can be whomever I want to be just like anybody else on this planet... and if I was gay it wouldn't be because I am misunderstood (which I am) it would be because I like cock! And just for a matter of fact I slightly curious and want to try new things and lets face it no one in the fictional world of comics ever gets a Sexually Transmitted Disease... well except for that one poor bastard... the crabs just ate him alive, I tell you the sight of it made you hungry for custard and hot dogs ... Anyway I also got a request that the next chapter had to be out by the end of July well we tried but we had to put it on hold for a bit as I Deadpool was in talks with my fan fiction writer PJ-Harper about having a spin off crossover with Hellboy (Check out the Fanfic Hellboy: The Theory Of Saints) and also having a crossover with all other Marvel Heroes in a Parody of a hit film! Anyway now it is time to continue with the main storyline within this fan fiction masterpiece!

So I am sure that if read the previous chapter you would know that I was contacted by S.H.I.E.L.D's very bad ass Nick Fury... (the Samuel L. Jackson one of course cause we have the best budget here at Deadpool... Boredom Creates Comedy and get the best possible celebrities to guest star... I hope I look like Ryan Reynolds under this mask cause I am planning to hit the Playboy Mansion later... em wait I feel as if I have gone off track of what I was saying...)

"_That is because you have, idiot!" _Italic inner monologue screams from within side my head.

"Oh right of course... emm what was I talking about again?"

"_IDIOT! Just reread what was wrote down."_

"Fine, fine... God you are so touchy today aren't you. Must be on your period or something."

"_I am not a fucking woman you ass!" _

"Could have fooled me little Miss Sensitive..."

Anyway I got contacted by Nick Fury... you know the guy who kinda looks like a pirate and what not with that eye patch of his. So apparently S.H.I.E.L.D needs me to help them with something which makes sense seeing as I am the star of this Fan Fiction so I should be called by the top dogs of the Marvel Universe as to make it entertaining to you the reader.

So after my phone call from Fury in the last chapter I thought I would go to my apartment and get my camera so I could take pictures on the Helicarrier and sell them to the KGB... Now I know what you are thinking how unpatriotic of you Deadpool Old Chap... well remember this that I am Canadian and that SHIELD is American. So there! Score 2 for Deadpool and 0 for nerds.

Now anyway, to continue with our story I am in my apartment packing my official The Dark Knight Rises Bane back pack because lets face it that man is a legend and I enjoy people displaying their love for S+M clothing... they are the true heroes as they are not afraid to show who they truly are. Then as I am about to put my Heath Ledger Joker lunch box into the back pack I feel my cell phone ringing in my pocket and honey it was all kinds of good vibrations. So I answered it and once again it was Samuel L. Jackson.

"Sup my brother from another mother." I saying trying to show Jackson I now how to roll in the hood.

"Wilson go to the top of your apartment building now." He replies coldly completely ignoring my lickity slick street terminology (yes I do know big words... up yours society!)

"Why? Are you going to beam me up Scotty?"

"Just get to the roof you will know when you get there." Then with that he hung up on me without so much as I love baby... no, you hang up first. I'm so lonely.

So as old Sam ordered I went to the top of my building and waiting for me was Stark.

"Wilson are you ready to go?" He asked as soon as he saw me.

"Of course I am buddy."

"Please don't ever call me your buddy again OK."

"Fine by the way I have been learning up on your family history."

A little freaked out by this he simply replied... "What?"

"Yeh I am watching that documentary show Game Of Thrones... I didn't know you were related to Sean Bean."

"God you are an idiot..." He sighed as he shook his head.

"Hey I don't like the term idiot I prefer... actually I don't prefer anything they all hurt my feelings..." I began to sob under my mask... the other heroes don't seem to know how hard of a time I get from them... I need a cuddle... any offers from my hot (being the key word here) female (males may apply too if they so wish) fans? Please leave a review with you exact measurements.

"Whatever Deadpool are you ready or not to come to shield?"

"Of course I am ready do you not see my 100% official Bane from The Dark Knight Rises film from DC! That right buddy I supported their film instead of my universes films! Why? I hear you ask..."

"Actually I didn't ask you anything idiot." He replied giving me one of those internet favourite memes the face palm.

"Well I am going to tell you anyway, it's because my own universe wouldn't let me be in either of this years Marvel films! They said I wasn't a big enough or good enough character... well I am good enough to get this Fan- Fic, my own video game..."

_Coming to a store near you in 2013 hopefully if the would doesn't go to shit like the Mayans think._

Thanks italic inner monologue!

_No problem._

Now back to my rant, "And Wolverine's film God Dammit! Sure it wasn't the best... OK it was one of the worse but it was no Batman and Robin!" I stumped my foot as hard as possible onto the ground to show that I was 100% serious! It may have a hurt alittle... OK it hurt like a motherf #ker!

"Deadpool... are you finished?" Downey asked looking at me with his mask open with an expression that showed I was really beginning to get on his nerves.

"Yeah I think I am good for the couple of chapters."

"Good." he said as he grabbed me by the wrist and his boots fired up and we went from zero to WTF! In 1 second or less. He flew us up to the Helicarrier.

When we got there these doors opened alone its side and we went in and once at the landing platform Stark threw me to the ground.

Waiting for us there was Fury.

"I hoped you enjoyed your flight Deadpool." he said with this smirk on his face...

"I am not to bad considering that my whole fictional life flashed before my eyes even my zombie one which even I thought was weird and that the contents of my bowels are now in my tights." I began to pat down my butt just in case that was actually true.

"That will be all for now Iron Man." Jackson told Downey in a dismissive tone.

"A thanks would be nice Fury." Stark remarked as he left the Helicarrier.

Fury watched Stark leave the Helicarrier then he directed his glance towards me. "Wilson, are you ready to work for S.H.I.E.L.D once again?"

"You now it my brother from another mother! Look I even polished my badge so good you can see the 5 o'clock shadow on your big old bald head!" I took my badge out of my pocket just to show him that I wasn't lying! And hopefully he will reward me by giving me another another badge for taking such good care of this one.

"Very good..." Jackson retorted in an uninterested matter, "I want you take down Wolverine."

I shall leave it there for now my many faithful followers and hopefully it will not take as long to write the next chapter... What am I saying it will get up when it does and not when you want it to... Anyhow see you later true believers!


	8. Chapter 8

Deadpool… Boredom Causes….

Excessive MASTURBATION!

Well either that or comedy….

Chapter 8: DINGO TOOK MY WOLVERINE

Hello once again my fateful FanFiction followers are you ready for more jizz in your pants Deadpool awesomeness? If you said no then fuck you! You shall get it regardless. Well if you have been following the story so far you will know that now I have been requested by a certain Mace Windu look alike to take down my bub Jimmy Howlett. And that is why it has been awhile since the previous chapter as Wolverine feels bad that my first film appearance was terrible and he was going to give me another chance in his new film however it conflicted with this story arc in this FanFiction so I felt I should decline. Besides I am getting my own kickass videogame (PRE-ORDER NOW FOR THE LOLZ) that will reign over Wolverine's film and make it his bitch! Also can you please stop saying, "Deadpool you look amazing in the Batman: Arkham Origins trailer!" Cause hate to break it you folks it my slower and not younger half brother Deathstroke.

"_And now back to our feature presentation!"_

"Hey italic inner monologue I'm talking here!"

"_I am sick of your aimless rants at the beginning of every chapter! So I am trying to give what the reader came here for and that was for the continuation of this hopeless FanFiction story.__"_

"Well that's it I am going to become sane so that you will no longer be able to speak anymore!"

"_If you think that you can become sane then you are crazier than I thought."_

"Hey screw you to buddy."

"_Idiot…"_

"Why do we hurt each other so italic inner monologue?"

"_Cause you're a dick!"_

"Ouch... I was trying to open up to you. I thought it was a real emotional moment and you ruined it..."

"_Not as I ruined your mother's pussy last night."_

"That's it from this moment on I will suppress the part or my crazy that causes you to communicate with me and ruin my awesome fanfiction of awesomeness!"

"_Good luc..."_

"I HAVE SPOKEN! SURPRESSING!"

And that boys and girls is how you stop the inner voices inside your mind from talking to you so forget about that government conspiracy of prescription medication! Wow there is a lot of blood gushing out of my nose and ears... well more than usual anyway. I don't feel so good... oh crap I'm fainting head first onto my glass coffee table.

"_SMASH!"_

"Hey what do you think you are doing I thought I suppressed you!"

"_Well I am giving the reader sound effects of you smashing your ugly face onto the coffee table! And you trying to suppress is what caused you to faint. So maybe you should try and avoid that from now on."_

"Fine OK I will... but can you please stop talking so much."

"_I will leave you alone for awhile anyway... now get up and get Wolverine just like Yoda or whatever you call him told you too."_

"YODA!? Have you ever seen Star Wars! Samuel L. frickin' Jackson plays Mace frickin' Windu! From now on leave the pop culture references to me before you pop a cap in yo' ass!"

"_Very well now just go get Wolverine!"_

"FINE! Quit nagging me!"

I sat down looking at my map of the world trying to figure out were to find the best host of the Oscars I've ever seen. Now the character of Wolverine is Canadian (Like yours truly! And my man crush Ryan Reynolds) and I doubt he would go back to that hell whole so I think that I will mark that place off as a hell no. Jackson said that Wolverine has apparently been off the grid for awhile and he suspects that he is not in the USA. So he has to be aboard. My best bets are Australia seeing as Wolvie's actor hails from there. Or maybe Japan seeing as his new film is set there... Choices, choices... If I go to Australia I can fulfil my lifelong wet dream of shooting a stupid Koala in his stupid Koala face. Then on the other hand if I go to Japan I can finally shoot my own hentai with some school girl and a tentacle monster. Both give me a hard on but which do I choose.

Screw it these Koalas have been getting away for far to long without a bullet to the face and plus it will make the chapter title make more sense. So with my decision made I picked up my Bane backpack to head for the door.

When I open the door none other than the Boy from Oz is standing there at my apartment door with his yellow spandex leaving little to the imagination.

"I hear you have been sent to take me out bub." He says with his eyes narrowed angrily at me while his claws began to slowly withdrawn from his fists. Then he looks down for a split second. "OH GOD! Did you just get an erect when you saw me!" He had to use his hand to stop his vomit from flying out of his mouth.

"Hey don't flatter yourself buddy! I got this bad boy from thinking of Koalas and tentacles!"

"Dear God! You're sicker than I thought! I don't think I can keep my lunch down... I'm going to throw up!"

I stepped aside from the door and pointed to the other end of my apartment, "Toilet is over there."

"Thanks bub..." Jackman said as he rushed to the toilet.

I then sounded after him, "Don't take to long... I'm going to have to milk the snake."

"JESUS!" Was the only reply I got and then all I could hear was the sound of projectile vomiting.

Well seeing as Wolvie is not in any shape to fight yet I think it is best to end here... so guess I'll catch you later!


	9. Chapter 9

Deadpool... Boredom Creates Comedy!

Chapter 9: How have we not been taken to court over copyright issues yet... Thank Thor!

Well hello once again boys and girls! Have you missed me? You have! Well don't you all live quite depressing lives... Like, come on this isn't even an actual Marvel Brand piece (but sign up to our kick starter so we can buy Marvel! All we need is a few billion and with any luck Disney will throw in Lucas film for good measure! Any one for Sith Lord Deadpool!). Now I know you are expecting Wolverine to battle me in this chapter but bad news we have come to a decision that this chapter should be used to bring you the word of our All Mighty Lord... Thor! Thou most thunderous god has given us a lovely percentage of the grossing's of his latest film so we would advertise it here! It is a very good film but my problem with it that it does not contain a lap dance from Natalie Portman, Kat Dennings or even the beast of a man Chris Hemsworth (giggity!). So if you are looking for a film that contains all of the above then watch my fan made XXX film I made with look a likes (and they are not cardboard cut outs their acting is just... wooden). Again thanks to all you gave to the kick starter to fund the film and also help me buy another pair of crotch hugging tights! Anyway I am pulling your leg... your third leg... GIGGITY! Any how here is the death match you have been waiting for between me and Wolverine!

While Wolverine was emptying his stomach of which from smell I thought was several cheap ass cheese burgers and even cheaper whiskey, I was meanwhile enjoying the National Geographic channel. For purely sexual reasons of course.

Hugh finally got his act together and came out of the bathroom...

"Finally! I thought I was going to have to start charging you rent! Took your sweet time, I was beginning to think your stomach was regenerating the contents of your stomach!" I told him this while two baboons were doing it on TV... have to admit... kinda made me want a pizza. Not sure about you but I think that isn't normal... I am sure it should make me want a nice hotdog in a nice steamy bun... no homo...

"What do you mean? I've only been in there for all of three minutes." Wolvie looked at me more confused than I was at the representation of my character in Origins.

"Well yeah it has been months upon months since our last chapter was uploaded..." I would like to inform the audience that our author finally got round to watching Toy Story 3 and he has been going through a prolonged grieving process. It got him right in his feels zone... which is right beside his friend zones.

Jackman was going to speak but then I think he remembered what was his original reason for showing up here... there was a flare of murderous intent that shined in his eyes and he suddenly leaped towards me. While he was doing so his claws came out so quick that I almost didn't dodge them in time.

"HAHAHA! Logan you are getting slow in your old but still unaging age! I totally dodged that faster than Tom Hiddleston can make fan girl flood a room!"

"_You fucking idiot! He cutted off your entire right arm!_"

"What? Bitch you be tripping." I said to inner monologue as I 100% totally badassly dodged Wolverine's attack.

"_I am not a bitch! And that reminds one of our readers wrote in a review that I a so called prick. Well I would like to take this chance to call out this little bitch and inform him that I am not a 'prick'... I am THEE prick._" Inner monologue said in his little bitch fit.

"_It was not a bitch fi..._"

"Bitch pleas..."

"_SILENCE!_"

"But..."

"_I HAVE SPOKEN!_"

All righty then... moving on. I looked to my right and well... yeah he was correct... there was no arm there. "NO! OLD FAPPER!" I looked at Wolverine, "How dare you! What shall I do now when I see a hot babe online! Just think I would tap that and then go on. That sir is not how this pimp rolls on the interwebz!" But then again I would save so much money with not having to buy so many tissues.

"Shut up! I didn't come here to listen you go on like the nut you are." Logan said while he was getting into another attacking position. "Seeing as you have been told to take me out I see the only way to stop that is by taking you out first bub'."

"Suppose that makes sense. And how did you find out so fast. Do you read my fan fic?" I asked Wolverine as I lifted my arm and started to put it back in its right place.

"I got connections in S.H.I.E.L.D and so I got tipped off." He swung at me and this time I really did dodge him.

"Well at least this way it saves me having to hunt you down. Know wait a second I got to make a quick call first." I took out my cell phone and went into contacts.

"Who you calling? Fury for back up." Logan said whilst giving me the crazy eye.

"No... Just using my phone a friend."

Then the land line phone in my apartment began ringing behind Logan, who turned to look at it. "You called yourself?"

"Yes... There is a reason I always answer my home phone so quickly. After several rings the place is rigged to blow up." Then right on cue the C4 I lined my apartment went off and I was flung out of my window and smacked into the wall of the building opposite and then flew down to the street.

As I got myself together in the street I looked up at what use to be my apartment... I began to tear up... there went all my awesome stuff. Well think I will end this chapter on this explosive note. See you next time loyal readers.


End file.
